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I stayed up late waiting for you to arrive. but it was too much for me and I fell asleep. When I woke you had already come and gone, and I had missed you.

Sick

I’m in Brazil and i’ve been mad sick for 5 days now. If your the praying type I’d love some. I only just started eating solid food. luv you all kthxbye

Airport Showdown

Brazillian airport, arrivals, alternate lineup for baggage search:

“open the bag please sir”

oh shit

I lay out the contents of my bag on the polished aluminum desk in the flourescent light. I am a doctor, carefully laying out his instruments for surgery.

1 “sex god” book by Rob Bell (re-reading it)
1 firewire cable
1 dell laptop
1 hoody (from zumiez, $14)
1 nintendo DS: final fantasy 6 and FF tactics thank you very much
1 ipod classic 120GB ( airborne toxic event playing)
1 ipod USB cable
1 Canon XH A1 3CCD professional video camera. dang.

This has happened before. My last trip: Lima, Peru
we got hit with a $1000 fine for having pro equipment. had to pay in cash. they took our gear until we coughed up the dough. and our passports. These guys, they want cash. No Visa. If you got anything that looks pro: they can smell it from a mile away, the try and get you, smack you with a fat bill. They scan your bags not to stop terrorism, they scan to make coin. This customs agent, he will try and corner you: prove you need to pay, you: the under-the-radar video and photog have to parry and dodge his blows. He’s on the offensive, you have to defend.
Whether you have to pay a grand depends on the next 4 minutes of dialogue.

like they say in the schoolyard: its on

He saunters up to the counter, looking smug with his dashing moustache and customs uniform. He thinks he has this one in the bag. A little extra money on the side, maybe head to the bar tonight.
People in the lineup are looking over, the other customs agents at the scanner machine are smirking, the dude with the metal detector wand is leaning against the gate. They all know its On.
We face each other, shoulders squared off like this is some samurai showdown or high school arcade showdown.

Ok buddy, you think you can take me!? I’ll tear your face off.

“what you coming to Brazil for?” he grills me in broken english

nice right hook, but its a little slow. Homo

“touristo! tourism” – shooting a smile.

Block, counter. Gaurd up

he levels a bone chilling gaze at me: “Define Tourism”

Ouch, fiece punch high, tap “A” to get up!

crossing arms: “oh you know, travelllll, see some siiights, meet interesting peeeople, maybe meet some laaadies.”  - wink.

charmander is paralyzed!

Opens up my laptop. it comes out of hibernation. Have Adobe lightroom open.
“What is this?”

You know nothing. I’m sorry Espanol, your princess is in another castle

“It’s a computer.”

down, diagonal, forward + Punch: Hadoken!

That pissed him off a little bit. He picks up the camera.

Magicarp! hit him with a splash attack!

“Is there something wrong with my camera? You don’t like? Too big?” -Big smile.

Back, Down, Diagonal Foward and punch: Shoyruken!

“How much your camera cost?”

a trap. But i done my research. Anything over 3k and you got me.

“Oh about two thousand US”

Low kick countered, Back, Diagonal, Down, Diagonal, Foward and punch: Yoga Flame!

“…it looks new…”

Enemy is low on health

“It’s 3 years old. Christmas present from my mom!” -smile

Headshot! No scope!

“…ok…get your things, you can go.”

Finish Him

“Thanks, and hey! you have yourself a good night!”

Fatality! Flawless victory.

It’s all over. 2 people are seriously maimed from the collateral damage. The terminal is in shambles. Broken glass lies everywhere. holes the size of houses in the floor and ceiling from the wayward energy beams. Everyone has long since ducked for cover under the converyor belts and seats. The dust clears. It’ll be several minutes before the SWAT teams arrive. The champion reholsters his Revolvers, Puts the extra quarters in his back pocket, powers down from super saiyan. He looks over to the remaining airport staff: “you remember this day forever.”

He slowly repacks his belongings, whistling. Grabs his checked luggage, and saunters out of the airport. Whistling.

Chaco

The Mennonite colonies are almost identical to the little towns from “the village” except without actor Adrian Brody pretending to be handicapped.

each town less than 5000. in the middle of the north western wastelands of paraguay. All farmers. All go to the same church. All won’t talk to you unless you name ends in “Klassen” or “Neuman”. All have children that just stare at you silently and utter one word answers to your questions.

downright eerie.

Stayed with a cattle farming family for one night. with a fellow from the congo. Every book in their house what christian literature. Everything was dated from the 70’s.

downright eerie.

We chatted late into the night, me and Mr.Congo talking about Rwanda, the Tutsis and Hutus, what that means for the Congo etc. over a bowl of grapefruit. The family was floored that they had a real live black man in their living room. their daughter didn’t say a word. sheltered like you wouldn’t believe in this town. its like Abbotsford on steroids. We talked of genocide. The United Nations. Muslims. He speaks 6 languages. Crazy.

Oh: She was 18. blonde.

Glances were exchanged.

coaxed a smile out of her.

then i saw the gun rack. abort. abort!

In Asuncion now. Capital. video is going mediocre. schedules are too hectic.

listening to James Blackshaw and Major Lazer

Inspired: Architecture

 

This just kills me. I watch talks like this and i start to shake all over. This is what its all about.

I could go on for hours about using your talents and skills for a good cause and helping the world and collaborating and doing something worth talking about and saying “eff you” to the “can’t do” people and living drastically and thinking about the needs of others  and not caring if you end up dirt poor as long as you can say that you gave it a go and being passionate about something other than your xbox and macpro and i think i’m going to have a heart attack because all i hear is the call of “do something do something do something do something do something do something do something do something do something do something.”

Listening to Bon Iver. god bless him.

Dan+Melissa engaged!

“No… wait. that’s not his truck.”

-all: “WHAT!?”

“Where is he?”

“oh, wait. text message: he’s just getting off the freeway.”

“you kidding me!?”

It’s 11:00pm on a friday night and I am crouched behind a corregated shipping container somewhere in Cloverdale, at the top of a hill; waiting for Dan and his soon-to-be fiance to arrive. It’s cold. It’s raining. I am covered in mud. My camera equipment is also wet, and covered in mud. I am part of the “the plan”

The Plan:
Set up pavilion in field.
Have 2 chairs in pavilion. Light many candles in and around the pavilion area
Have chairs in pavilion face large hill.
Rent Generator, Purchase copious amounts of Christmas lights. 30 strands?
spell out in 30ft block letters with Christmas lights: “Marry Me?”
When Dan, with signal given with flashlight, is about to ask the question: start generator and wow her with massive glowing “Marry Me?” text.
Take some pictures. (my part of the plan)

I have been out here for 20mins and I’m shivering, my shoes are wet, my nice pants are ALL muddy…
Nick and Mike have been out here since 7pm. setting up the lights. I’m such a you-know-what.

Nick and Mike discovered, in trying to set up the lights, that the effects of rain mixed with a steep incline equals an incredibly slick hill. They spent the better part of 3 hours stringing christmas lights across, (which i can testify to) probably the slipperiest hill in existance. By the time I arrived they were covered in mud. Head to toe. They even brought a toboggan, and it worked great. 

The Pavilion was a snap. (it’s actually the youth church creationfest tent) Simon had come by earlier and helped Nick set it up. What a guy. what character.

\\fast forward.

“thats Dan’s truck! its them! hide!”

 I can’t see anything. It’s dark out, I don’t have my glasses. 

“….they are sitting in the chairs….he’s talking to her…..they are hugging…..talking some more….”

I still can’t see anything from the top of the hill. 

“thats the signal! he’s shining the flashlight!”

Nick scambles out from our hiding place to start the generator. 

“God, please make this generator start. or this is going to really. really. suck.”

RoooooaaaaR! Generator On.

NOW i can see.

“he’s on one knee! he’s propsing!….. they are hugging now…….still hugging…..i think thats a yes……still hugging…..Is that a yes….?”

it was a yes. 

- Man this is what it is all about. Who gives up 5 hours of their time on a Friday night to set up an elaborate over-the-top scheme to help someone propose? After rain, mud and twisted knees we are all smiles. This was worth it. For a friend and brother this small task is nothing. everyone has gladly made themselves miserable just so someone can have a special moment. Which of your friends would do this for you? Which of your friends would you do this for? I hope the list is long; for both questions. 
I know this guy that talks a lot about being “others interested” -about putting your needs second to everyone else. About sacrificing for others. Maybe this is what it looks like. Maybe. 

Congrats to Dan and Melissa on the engagement! 

 

 

listening to shugo tokumaru

Home

I left and it was still summer. Now its completely Autumn. Hopefully when i wake up tomorrow it will be winter: because then i can go snowboarding. might be too much to ask for though.

Guess what i have enjoyed most about coming back to Canada. think about it. I have enjoyed the fact that we have a sky. Lima is so depressing you won’t even believe it. Whether its the mountains blocking the wind, or the ocean, or the fact that 1/3 of Peru’s population is driving their fossil fuel burning cars in a big valley in close quarters; Lima and much of what i saw of Peru did not have a sky.

Instead it had a big grey translucent blob a couple hundred feet above the city. I didn’t see the sun, i didn’t see the moon, i never saw a single star, I couldn’t even pick out a the shape of a cloud in that grey mess. It was LA except a gajillion times worse. Everything is always the same; their weatherman probably has the laziest job in the entire world.

“today is grey skies with a hint of burning tire.”

Obviously this means that quality of air sucks too: Imagine rolling up and taking a nice long hit of a fine cuban cigar filled with shredded garbage bags and styrofoam cup bits instead of tobacco. Goes down smooth. Malboro smooth.

- Man we have air, and i mean air. It’s crisp like a potatoe chip and fresh like trident gum.
screw excel. their name is gay.
- and the sky is sky. man it goes on for-ev-er. it doesnt’ end 500 feet up. holy crap what a revelation. and theres clouds up there! man what are they doing? movin’ around, thats what.

Oh i also enjoy talking to food service industry employees and gas station attendants. I can understand your language! tell me again what the cost of the burger is! I know what your saying! it’s great. I can approach them with confidence, with swagger and boldy say:

“I’ll have the the soup and sandwich combo”
“what? no i don’t want it toasted”
“hot chocolate to drink also”
“may i also say that i am thoroughly enjoying our verbal discourse right now.”
“what no, i’m not a freak stalker”
“sure ok, i’ll leave before you call the police, nice talking to you!”

Also enjoyed flip city. Was good to see everyone again. And to do backflips and wallflips and all that fun stuff. couldn’t find a place like that in Lima, too bad.

Listening to: Daedelus, Black Moth Super Rainbow, Bob Dylan

Peru9: Dane Cook sent me to hell

HelloooOOOooo! Ima caaaaAAAAAaaaar!
OY-YELL. I-S. M-Y. BLOO-OOD.
Baaaaack Seeeaaaatts. Truuuuunk Spaaaaace. 

If any of you who are reading this are even remotely familiar with stand up comedy legend/villain Dane Cook you will know instantly what i am referring to: In a stand up comedy routine several years ago Dane Cook mentions his adoration for the car alarms of his neighbors. So much so that when they wake him up at 3 in the morning he decided to write lyrics to accompany the alarm. The car alarm in question is the famous alarm I refer to as the “multi-screw” 

Multi Screw: A car alarm in which the maker decided against having just one annoying, monotonous alarm  and instead created a diabolical device that switches the tone of the alarm every 10 seconds: Why have one annoying alarm when you can have 7? The true nature of such an invention makes itself known in that just as you are getting used to the alarm, it switches on you and forces its annoyingness into your mind once again. The use of this alarm correlates directly, i feel, to the frequency of baby punchings in a the surrounding area. It is less popular now: praise allah. In case you need a refresher via onomatopoeian methods, here it is:

WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOOWOOO
JEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEW (heh)
WEEE-OOOO WEEEE-OOOOO
wwooo0000OOO! wwoooo0000OOO!
WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!
dOOOOOdoooo.DOOOOdoooo
and repeat.

Yes anyways: in Canada when was the last time you hear this alarm? not recently i bet. Car manufacturers and anyone the sense known as hearing know that this alarm tortures the soul. So prior to coming to Peru i hadn’t heard such a car alarm in about 6 months. 

Know this:

Since arriving in Peru i have heard this car alarm twice an hour.
Every Hour.
Day or night. 
For 3 weeks straight.

Every SUV, Station Wagon, Taxi, Tuk Tuk, home, briefcase, door, streetlamp and dog has this alarm installed. Not only that, the sensitivity of the alarm is jacked to extra-sensory levels. If you drive, walk, skip, crawl, levitate past any object with this alarm installed it will go off.
Also, for some reason that i have yet to grasp the peruvian people seem to enter a mode of extreme apathy when the responsibility of turning off the alarm to their vehicle is presented to them. Its amazing that Einstein’s theory of relativity has been proven correct here in Peru, of all places. Its astounding, actually. You should call a scientist. or someone. 

Now the extreme frequency of these alarms plus the curse of having listened to Dane Cook sing to these exact alarms in question means several things. 
1. I have developed a highly specialized case of Obsessive compulsive Disorder (OCD) which requires me at the least to think of the lyrics to the song in my head as the alarm plays, and at worst burst into spontaneous vocal accompaniment to the alarm for however long it lasts. This is also compounded by the fact that that the smirking face of dane cook is etched into my brain the minute the alarm begins. And his grotesque visage does not leave until the car alarm is over. 
2. Not a single Peruvian or english-speaking person i am with in Peru has ever heard of this joke before, nor have they even heard who Dane Cook is. They find nothing humorous in their car alarms. Which the take very seriously in fact. This of course means that i could never even begin to explain to them the magnitude of the situation i am in.

All this boils down to in the end is that i have been, and still am: condemned to a private, endless hell that i am powerless to escape from, short of cutting my own ears off. I haven’t slept in days, my appearance is disheveled, highly disheveled, dark purple circles ring my eyes, i stare off into the distance for hours on end. Nothing can save me. Housekeeping went to clean my room and found page after page of the phrase “hello i’m a car” typed up on their old-fashioned typewriter, the walls and ceiling also are covered in lyrics of similar nature. In the bathroom a life-size bust of Dane Cook was found created entirely out of toilet paper and shaving cream. I was found in the shower, in the fetal position, heard saying: “this means something, i don’t know what!”

Pray for me my friends… I fear nothing will cure my affliction.

 

Listening to Black Moth Super Rainbow…and dane cook.

Peru8: Randoms

Some Random musings while here in Peru:

1. Every taxi and tuk-tuk is plastered with stickers of all your favourite extreme sports brands: Oakley, Fox racing, DC shoes, Quiksilver, Ripcurl. It is besides the fact that the only brand that i have actually seen on sale here has been DC Shoes. What is with the the automobile representation? For sure there are barely any skateboarders here, no snowboarding and certainly no BMX or Dirtbiking… so what is the deal?

My hypothesis is that Peruvians have seen on TV and the internet, pictures of North American cars with people repping their favourite extreme sports brands, so they think its either
A: What cool, rich people do or
B: good luck charms.
either way its really interesting to see these brands everywhere down here when not a single person buys their products or is engaged in the sports these brands represent. You could say that the Peruvians are the worlds biggest posers. Even bigger than all the kids in grade 8 who stood around with skateboards at lunch hour but didn´t ride them once, you knew because the bottom of their deck was still in pristine condition.

2. Batman Lives. For some reason even more popular than all the extreme sports brands is the one and only Batman Logo. Tuk Tuks have their review window shaped as the bat logo. the sticker is all over cars. This one is even more ambiguous as to the reason: Is it just the recent success of “the dark knight” that has contributed to the rise in batman repping in Peru? or perhaps people here have seen over the years North America´s fascination with the caped crusader and they figure we view him as some sort of Peoples hero? Perhaps a symbol of the power of the rich, white man.

If that is the case then i am honored that the Peruvian people would think the symbol for North American culture is a mentally unstable aristocrat that dresses up as a flying rodent to do battle against satanic clowns. Somehow that just gives me the warm fuzzies.

3. Inka Cola. Its more popular than coka cola. it tastes like liquid double-bubble. It looks like piss. I love it.

4. The proper way to greet a women is to kiss her on the cheek. And you great everyone you meet; every home you enter you shake ever mans hand and kiss everyone on the cheek. Even at church. thats a lot of shaking and kissing.
This custom is a double edged sword:
On one hand you get to rub your face against, and kiss all the cute girls. Total Bonus! On the other hand you have to do the same for the 70 year old witch that has a massive mole on the side of her face that looks like it sports its own circulatory system. I am still undecided on whether this custom should be adopted in Canada or not. Its great for the socially ackward amongst us. Suddenly we can get closer to a girl than we ever have in their entire life! yes!

and done.

listening to Daedelus, air france.

Peru7: Police and Thieves, in the streets

It was then with great pleasure that the Lima National Pòst announced that the epidemic of car theft and home burgleries that had been plauging the South Lima housing projects as of late had come to a decisive end. The story was truly one of great merit, and needed to ring out to the population of the honourable city. Not often in Lima does the media have the pleasure to regale the public with a positive story of community, courage and triumph!
There were some however who opposed the publication of the story in question.  Their subtle, biting tongues were quickly silenced by the joyous roar of the general populace, as it should be! Is it not the role of the press to relate the events of the day to the public? Should it not be the responsibility, nay, the honour of the press to expound a story of particular merit to the citizens when one so happens to occur? Especially a story of justice being served, something almost unknown in such a city as this? The “authorities” as they are called are hardly worth mentioning; so self-serving and ineffective in their ways many feel them to be little more than those who issue fines and tickets. heroes? hardly! True heroes should be cast in the light of glory that they so rightly deserve, especially heroes of the people; those that work day in day out, to survive, to carve out a living. When one of these true heroes does something exemplary that can be attested as being an attribute all should have in the community, why, such a story needs to be told! 

As such, the official events pertaining to the capture of the now infamous South Lima thieves (three in number) are as follows:

Out for a nightly stroll through his neighbourhood at around 2am, a honourable citizen of Lima was shocked to see three individuals scale the fence of a neighbours house. Fence scaling is not necessarily a forbidden activity in Lima; many are prone to it, however fence scaling into the yard of an citizens dwelling place when they are away from home is something to take note of. Naturally inquisitive to the nature of this acrobatic endeavour the curious onlooker observed from a secluded location that the three shady individuals had indeed forced themselves into the neighbours house and were merrily confiscating his wordly possessions. This unnamed onlooker was fully aware of other such confiscations that had taken place in the recent past and was motivated to introduce himself to the three individuals in quite a gentlemanly manner. 
“but wait!” thought the onlooker; “I have many close acquantences that would be quite interested in meeting and introducing themselves to these three liberators of personal property!” 

So with much haste the onlooker roused as many close relations and friends as he could find to tell them of the good fortune to fall upon their close neighbours´ possessions. Naturally these individuals were also very interested in meeting these three mysterious property reclaimers. A crowd of considerable size had thus formed near the dwelling whose contents were in the process of being transferred into large burlap sacks.
So amused with their work were these three men that they remained largely oblivious to all happenings outside the household they currently occupied. 

The crowd by this time had become quite enamoured with the activites of the three men that an idea was put forth to lie in wait for them to exit the property, wherupon the large congregation would burst forth and merrily suprise the trinity of thieves with a large round of high-faves and handshakes. How overjoyed these men would be, to become instant celebraties! How their chests would swell with pride when the found that more than three dozen people were interested meeting them! Thus as the three soon-to-be-famous individuals exited the property in question they were sprung upon by a joyous crowd of soon-to-be-famous heroes. 
So humble, so pious were these three men that they hastily declined the crowds demands of friendship and merrymaking. So much so that they began to briskly make their way towards their car on the other end of the street. In a generous act of self-sacrifice the three men at this point decided upon reliqueshing their confiscated items by tossing them at the advancing crowd in hopes stalling their equally brisk, pace. This venture was successful only in further lightening the spirits of the advancing citizens. Alas the task of unlocking said automobile proved to be too time consuming an ordeal for the men that they, in the end, were forced to acquiesce to the congregations demands of formal introductions.
Overjoyed, the crowd took it upon themselves to greet each would-be thief individually.  So overwhelmed by the outpouring of hospitality on their respective ribs, faces, kneecaps and arms were the three thieves that they promptly decided upon adopting a position many refer to as “fetal”. As each member of the congregation began to tire of showering hospitality upon the trinity of thieves, ideas began to circulate as to what exactly was to be done about the situation of preventing future confiscations of personal belongings. While some postulated upon alerting authorities to the location and apprehension of the three men, it was largely ignored in favor of more concrete and definite theories:
The first idea to be widely accepted was the ensuring that the three men not feel so obliged to leave the presence of their newfound friends; several cords of rope were then produced to bind the mens hands, feet and legs. The three men at this point began a very enthusiastic effort of calling for help and screaming for mercy which the congregation felt to be quite endearing. So much so that the idea was put forth and unanimously agreed upon that they be placed in their car.
By now most of the community had caught wind of the impromptu celebration that was occuring on their street and had come out to shout words of encouragement and good luck to the thieves. With the entire community present, many felt that the setting was quite right for the distribution of snacks, the exchanging of polital opinions, and the debate as to what should be done with their newfound friends. Now with time to think, this gathering of merry souls came to the realization that their acquantences were quite dirtied and worn out form their previous exchange of pleasantries. 
Some young men went and fetched water to clean the wounds of the three thieves who were now quite pale from fright. With a festive air the crowd watched with glee as the thieves we doused in buckets of water inside their automobile. Shivering in fright the unlucky party of thieves shrieked for mercy but failed to raise their voices about the shouts of admiration and good will from the community. It was at this time that many felt that the night had grown far too cold to continue any form of festivities without a constant source of heat. 
What good luck! What divine providence! The water thrown upon the thieves was revealed to the overjoyed crowd to in fact be gasoline!
with the dainty strike and flick of a match the crowd now had a source of heat that lasted the celebration well into the morning. With firelight flickering off faces contorted into demonic apparitions of glee, the heroic citizens watched with joy as the screams echoing out of the automobile grew desperate, then silent. Silhouetted against the bright yellow flames of the pyre that was once a car, the people of the South Lima housing projects talked and laughed amongst themselves long into the night. Slowly, with the last desperate tongues of flame still burning, the members of the congregation, with a reserved air of quiet reverence made their way into their respective homes to catch a few hours of sleep before the morning arrived. 

no arrests were made.