Peru9: Dane Cook sent me to hell

HelloooOOOooo! Ima caaaaAAAAAaaaar!
OY-YELL. I-S. M-Y. BLOO-OOD.
Baaaaack Seeeaaaatts. Truuuuunk Spaaaaace. 

If any of you who are reading this are even remotely familiar with stand up comedy legend/villain Dane Cook you will know instantly what i am referring to: In a stand up comedy routine several years ago Dane Cook mentions his adoration for the car alarms of his neighbors. So much so that when they wake him up at 3 in the morning he decided to write lyrics to accompany the alarm. The car alarm in question is the famous alarm I refer to as the “multi-screw” 

Multi Screw: A car alarm in which the maker decided against having just one annoying, monotonous alarm  and instead created a diabolical device that switches the tone of the alarm every 10 seconds: Why have one annoying alarm when you can have 7? The true nature of such an invention makes itself known in that just as you are getting used to the alarm, it switches on you and forces its annoyingness into your mind once again. The use of this alarm correlates directly, i feel, to the frequency of baby punchings in a the surrounding area. It is less popular now: praise allah. In case you need a refresher via onomatopoeian methods, here it is:

WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOOWOOO
JEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEW (heh)
WEEE-OOOO WEEEE-OOOOO
wwooo0000OOO! wwoooo0000OOO!
WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!
dOOOOOdoooo.DOOOOdoooo
and repeat.

Yes anyways: in Canada when was the last time you hear this alarm? not recently i bet. Car manufacturers and anyone the sense known as hearing know that this alarm tortures the soul. So prior to coming to Peru i hadn’t heard such a car alarm in about 6 months. 

Know this:

Since arriving in Peru i have heard this car alarm twice an hour.
Every Hour.
Day or night. 
For 3 weeks straight.

Every SUV, Station Wagon, Taxi, Tuk Tuk, home, briefcase, door, streetlamp and dog has this alarm installed. Not only that, the sensitivity of the alarm is jacked to extra-sensory levels. If you drive, walk, skip, crawl, levitate past any object with this alarm installed it will go off.
Also, for some reason that i have yet to grasp the peruvian people seem to enter a mode of extreme apathy when the responsibility of turning off the alarm to their vehicle is presented to them. Its amazing that Einstein’s theory of relativity has been proven correct here in Peru, of all places. Its astounding, actually. You should call a scientist. or someone. 

Now the extreme frequency of these alarms plus the curse of having listened to Dane Cook sing to these exact alarms in question means several things. 
1. I have developed a highly specialized case of Obsessive compulsive Disorder (OCD) which requires me at the least to think of the lyrics to the song in my head as the alarm plays, and at worst burst into spontaneous vocal accompaniment to the alarm for however long it lasts. This is also compounded by the fact that that the smirking face of dane cook is etched into my brain the minute the alarm begins. And his grotesque visage does not leave until the car alarm is over. 
2. Not a single Peruvian or english-speaking person i am with in Peru has ever heard of this joke before, nor have they even heard who Dane Cook is. They find nothing humorous in their car alarms. Which the take very seriously in fact. This of course means that i could never even begin to explain to them the magnitude of the situation i am in.

All this boils down to in the end is that i have been, and still am: condemned to a private, endless hell that i am powerless to escape from, short of cutting my own ears off. I haven’t slept in days, my appearance is disheveled, highly disheveled, dark purple circles ring my eyes, i stare off into the distance for hours on end. Nothing can save me. Housekeeping went to clean my room and found page after page of the phrase “hello i’m a car” typed up on their old-fashioned typewriter, the walls and ceiling also are covered in lyrics of similar nature. In the bathroom a life-size bust of Dane Cook was found created entirely out of toilet paper and shaving cream. I was found in the shower, in the fetal position, heard saying: “this means something, i don’t know what!”

Pray for me my friends… I fear nothing will cure my affliction.

 

Listening to Black Moth Super Rainbow…and dane cook.