this blog is pure, unadultrated, genious. Its so accurate its scary.
- If you grew up in christian culture, this is YOUR LIFE.
- if you didn’t know christians had a culture, this unfortunately is a good picture…
http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.com/
*shudder
“What it’s $25!”
“its 10:30 already… is it worth it?”
“i don’t care, all i want is a sweet, supple, creamy mini donut”
“guys lets think about this, is there anything else worth doing?”
“lets sneak in”
“dude we can’t climb over the fence, look at those spikes”
“alright fine lets pay”
“i’m cold”
“the lineups they say are an hour long!”
“too late, we’re here we’re going.”
………………………………………………………………………………..
“where are we going?”
“look lets just go on this one… Bates Motel, its supposed to be scary.”
“look how long the lineup is!”
“what else are we going to do?”
“its really cold”
“we’ve been standing in the line forever.”
“Clint its so easy to sneak through this lineup man”
“Dude we are in a group of 7, theres no way we are all sneaking in.”
“right…”
“man look at all those kids jumpin line, just wanna call’em out.”
“look at them go…”
“matt…”
“what?”
“that chick is checking you out.”
“no way bro…”
“dude for sure. – its because your wearing my snowboard jacket, you look ballin.”
“well i do admit i look ballin but i have no idea what you are talking about.”
“dude the blonde one, talkin with her friends.”
“hey your so ____’in hot.”
“matt.”
“what?”
“did you not just hear that.”
“what?”
“that chick just said you were hot.”
“WHAT!”
“i can’t believe you, she said it basically into your ear.”
“dude i have no idea what you are talking about.”
“look over my shoulder. the blonde one.”
“matt go talk to her.”
“no way!”
“she’s gonna wait for you in the haunted house.”
“Clint man don’t tell me these things!”
“well now you’ve totally given her the cold shoulder, way to go.”
………………………………………………………………………………..
“that was the most pathetic haunted house i’ve ever been in.”
“it wasn’t even scary!”
“dude look, its just two semi truck trailers stuck together. what did you expect?”
“alright well now what?”
“ummm.”
“dude i still can’t get over how utterly terrible that was, did we just pick the worst one?”
“hey lets do that music ride, you know; the spinny one.”
“yeah!”
“that ones sweet!”
“whoa hey look its Dallas.”
“Whats up man.”
“not much…”
“how long you been here?”
“an hour.”
“how many rides you go on?
“one”
“oh sucks… well we are goin on the music spinny-thing ride, see you around.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
“i can’t believe they are closing the park. we’ve been on two rides.”
“definitely worth that $25…”
“well lets start heading out i guess…”
“I MUST have my mini donuts. this night will have been worth nothing unless i get them.”
“woah, easy clint.”
“hey look, lets go on the swing ride!”
“well, it IS the stereotypical PNE ride…”
“alright, its still open lets hit it up.”
“dude lets get kicked off, we have to.”
“alright… how.”
“umm, try and spin your seat, get the chains twisted so you spin around tons when it swings”
“yesss, great idea!”
“you guys are so stupid…”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
fin.
(never, ever go to fright night)
Youth Church Dance Party VS. Granville St. Pub Dance Floor
Attendance:
YC attendance: 120ish I would say
Pub attendance: 90 on the floor, 140+ in booths
winner: tie
Apparell:
YC: Muslim terrorist, sailor moon, firegirls, a giant giraffe, cheerleaders
Pub: jeans, dresses, dress shirts (with collars popped, urgh)
winner: YC
Cost:
YC: Free
Pub: $15 cover, $6 drinks, Skytrain ticket or gas to Van.
winner: YC
DJ’s:
YC: DJ Dizzy, Outrageous Boy
Pub: balding, 35yo, beer belly
Winner: YC
Music:
YC: Calvin Harris, Justice, Will Smith, N’sync, Chromeo, Hot Chip, Micheal Buble
Pub: AC/DC, Katy Perry, Offspring, Top 40, Lil’john
Winner: YC
Dance Skill:
YC: Windmills, Cripwalks, Backflips, pop/lock
Pub: drunken grind
Winner: YC
Overall Winner:
YC.
what a joke. Van needs to step up. Yc has Surrey on Lockdown.
(sorry for the french cover)
If your a hip, contemporary, university-going christian you probably have heard of Donald Miller. DM is best known for “blue like jazz” which, among other great theological truths, points out how cool it is to smoke cigarettes while reading the bible.
With “To Own A Dragon” DM opens up about growing up without a father and how living with a badass nature photographer for 4 years helped him become a man. The book is delivered in a writing style that is supposed to be accessible to most men: this means that the entire vocabulary of the book does not exceed 40 words and small firecrackers are tucked into the pages for your amusement. I would consider DM’s writing style to be a slightly less razor sharp than chuck palahiuk’s (fight club).
The book is a very quick read: (not even the whole flight from LA to Lima) but it is chock full of manly goodness. Photographer John provides some great insight into what it means to be an artist, and the importance of self-discipline and work. DM’s openness about his personal life is amazingly refreshing for a book that sits in the undesirable realm of “christian” writing. He blatantly expresses his opinions an a myriad of subjects, often quite boldy. His theology might make some people choke though, especially if you found say; a certain book containing a fat black woman named “papa” being represented as god, heretical.
Some interesting points worth arguing about that presented themselves in this book:
- Writers and photographers are no more artists than people who dig up septic tanks. Its all work and its all the same. If you think your special because of your vocation – your not.
- It is desirable for girls to hold out on guys because it forces guys to step up their game.
- letting your emotions guide and alter your decisions about life is highly undesirable.
Overall a great book for anyone who wants to understand the emotional and personal ramifications of what it means for a guy to grow up without a dad, or with a deadbeat dad, in the picture.
I left and it was still summer. Now its completely Autumn. Hopefully when i wake up tomorrow it will be winter: because then i can go snowboarding. might be too much to ask for though.
Guess what i have enjoyed most about coming back to Canada. think about it. I have enjoyed the fact that we have a sky. Lima is so depressing you won’t even believe it. Whether its the mountains blocking the wind, or the ocean, or the fact that 1/3 of Peru’s population is driving their fossil fuel burning cars in a big valley in close quarters; Lima and much of what i saw of Peru did not have a sky.
Instead it had a big grey translucent blob a couple hundred feet above the city. I didn’t see the sun, i didn’t see the moon, i never saw a single star, I couldn’t even pick out a the shape of a cloud in that grey mess. It was LA except a gajillion times worse. Everything is always the same; their weatherman probably has the laziest job in the entire world.
“today is grey skies with a hint of burning tire.”
Obviously this means that quality of air sucks too: Imagine rolling up and taking a nice long hit of a fine cuban cigar filled with shredded garbage bags and styrofoam cup bits instead of tobacco. Goes down smooth. Malboro smooth.
- Man we have air, and i mean air. It’s crisp like a potatoe chip and fresh like trident gum.
screw excel. their name is gay.
- and the sky is sky. man it goes on for-ev-er. it doesnt’ end 500 feet up. holy crap what a revelation. and theres clouds up there! man what are they doing? movin’ around, thats what.
Oh i also enjoy talking to food service industry employees and gas station attendants. I can understand your language! tell me again what the cost of the burger is! I know what your saying! it’s great. I can approach them with confidence, with swagger and boldy say:
“I’ll have the the soup and sandwich combo”
“what? no i don’t want it toasted”
“hot chocolate to drink also”
“may i also say that i am thoroughly enjoying our verbal discourse right now.”
“what no, i’m not a freak stalker”
“sure ok, i’ll leave before you call the police, nice talking to you!”
Also enjoyed flip city. Was good to see everyone again. And to do backflips and wallflips and all that fun stuff. couldn’t find a place like that in Lima, too bad.
Listening to: Daedelus, Black Moth Super Rainbow, Bob Dylan
HelloooOOOooo! Ima caaaaAAAAAaaaar!
OY-YELL. I-S. M-Y. BLOO-OOD.
Baaaaack Seeeaaaatts. Truuuuunk Spaaaaace.
If any of you who are reading this are even remotely familiar with stand up comedy legend/villain Dane Cook you will know instantly what i am referring to: In a stand up comedy routine several years ago Dane Cook mentions his adoration for the car alarms of his neighbors. So much so that when they wake him up at 3 in the morning he decided to write lyrics to accompany the alarm. The car alarm in question is the famous alarm I refer to as the “multi-screw”
Multi Screw: A car alarm in which the maker decided against having just one annoying, monotonous alarm and instead created a diabolical device that switches the tone of the alarm every 10 seconds: Why have one annoying alarm when you can have 7? The true nature of such an invention makes itself known in that just as you are getting used to the alarm, it switches on you and forces its annoyingness into your mind once again. The use of this alarm correlates directly, i feel, to the frequency of baby punchings in a the surrounding area. It is less popular now: praise allah. In case you need a refresher via onomatopoeian methods, here it is:
WOOOWOOOWOOOWOOOWOOO
JEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEWJEW (heh)
WEEE-OOOO WEEEE-OOOOO
wwooo0000OOO! wwoooo0000OOO!
WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!WARGH!
dOOOOOdoooo.DOOOOdoooo
and repeat.
Yes anyways: in Canada when was the last time you hear this alarm? not recently i bet. Car manufacturers and anyone the sense known as hearing know that this alarm tortures the soul. So prior to coming to Peru i hadn’t heard such a car alarm in about 6 months.
Know this:
Since arriving in Peru i have heard this car alarm twice an hour.
Every Hour.
Day or night.
For 3 weeks straight.
Every SUV, Station Wagon, Taxi, Tuk Tuk, home, briefcase, door, streetlamp and dog has this alarm installed. Not only that, the sensitivity of the alarm is jacked to extra-sensory levels. If you drive, walk, skip, crawl, levitate past any object with this alarm installed it will go off.
Also, for some reason that i have yet to grasp the peruvian people seem to enter a mode of extreme apathy when the responsibility of turning off the alarm to their vehicle is presented to them. Its amazing that Einstein’s theory of relativity has been proven correct here in Peru, of all places. Its astounding, actually. You should call a scientist. or someone.
Now the extreme frequency of these alarms plus the curse of having listened to Dane Cook sing to these exact alarms in question means several things.
1. I have developed a highly specialized case of Obsessive compulsive Disorder (OCD) which requires me at the least to think of the lyrics to the song in my head as the alarm plays, and at worst burst into spontaneous vocal accompaniment to the alarm for however long it lasts. This is also compounded by the fact that that the smirking face of dane cook is etched into my brain the minute the alarm begins. And his grotesque visage does not leave until the car alarm is over.
2. Not a single Peruvian or english-speaking person i am with in Peru has ever heard of this joke before, nor have they even heard who Dane Cook is. They find nothing humorous in their car alarms. Which the take very seriously in fact. This of course means that i could never even begin to explain to them the magnitude of the situation i am in.
All this boils down to in the end is that i have been, and still am: condemned to a private, endless hell that i am powerless to escape from, short of cutting my own ears off. I haven’t slept in days, my appearance is disheveled, highly disheveled, dark purple circles ring my eyes, i stare off into the distance for hours on end. Nothing can save me. Housekeeping went to clean my room and found page after page of the phrase “hello i’m a car” typed up on their old-fashioned typewriter, the walls and ceiling also are covered in lyrics of similar nature. In the bathroom a life-size bust of Dane Cook was found created entirely out of toilet paper and shaving cream. I was found in the shower, in the fetal position, heard saying: “this means something, i don’t know what!”
Pray for me my friends… I fear nothing will cure my affliction.
Listening to Black Moth Super Rainbow…and dane cook.
Some Random musings while here in Peru:
1. Every taxi and tuk-tuk is plastered with stickers of all your favourite extreme sports brands: Oakley, Fox racing, DC shoes, Quiksilver, Ripcurl. It is besides the fact that the only brand that i have actually seen on sale here has been DC Shoes. What is with the the automobile representation? For sure there are barely any skateboarders here, no snowboarding and certainly no BMX or Dirtbiking… so what is the deal?
My hypothesis is that Peruvians have seen on TV and the internet, pictures of North American cars with people repping their favourite extreme sports brands, so they think its either
A: What cool, rich people do or
B: good luck charms.
either way its really interesting to see these brands everywhere down here when not a single person buys their products or is engaged in the sports these brands represent. You could say that the Peruvians are the worlds biggest posers. Even bigger than all the kids in grade 8 who stood around with skateboards at lunch hour but didn´t ride them once, you knew because the bottom of their deck was still in pristine condition.
2. Batman Lives. For some reason even more popular than all the extreme sports brands is the one and only Batman Logo. Tuk Tuks have their review window shaped as the bat logo. the sticker is all over cars. This one is even more ambiguous as to the reason: Is it just the recent success of “the dark knight” that has contributed to the rise in batman repping in Peru? or perhaps people here have seen over the years North America´s fascination with the caped crusader and they figure we view him as some sort of Peoples hero? Perhaps a symbol of the power of the rich, white man.
If that is the case then i am honored that the Peruvian people would think the symbol for North American culture is a mentally unstable aristocrat that dresses up as a flying rodent to do battle against satanic clowns. Somehow that just gives me the warm fuzzies.
3. Inka Cola. Its more popular than coka cola. it tastes like liquid double-bubble. It looks like piss. I love it.
4. The proper way to greet a women is to kiss her on the cheek. And you great everyone you meet; every home you enter you shake ever mans hand and kiss everyone on the cheek. Even at church. thats a lot of shaking and kissing.
This custom is a double edged sword:
On one hand you get to rub your face against, and kiss all the cute girls. Total Bonus! On the other hand you have to do the same for the 70 year old witch that has a massive mole on the side of her face that looks like it sports its own circulatory system. I am still undecided on whether this custom should be adopted in Canada or not. Its great for the socially ackward amongst us. Suddenly we can get closer to a girl than we ever have in their entire life! yes!
and done.
listening to Daedelus, air france.
It was then with great pleasure that the Lima National Pòst announced that the epidemic of car theft and home burgleries that had been plauging the South Lima housing projects as of late had come to a decisive end. The story was truly one of great merit, and needed to ring out to the population of the honourable city. Not often in Lima does the media have the pleasure to regale the public with a positive story of community, courage and triumph!
There were some however who opposed the publication of the story in question. Their subtle, biting tongues were quickly silenced by the joyous roar of the general populace, as it should be! Is it not the role of the press to relate the events of the day to the public? Should it not be the responsibility, nay, the honour of the press to expound a story of particular merit to the citizens when one so happens to occur? Especially a story of justice being served, something almost unknown in such a city as this? The “authorities” as they are called are hardly worth mentioning; so self-serving and ineffective in their ways many feel them to be little more than those who issue fines and tickets. heroes? hardly! True heroes should be cast in the light of glory that they so rightly deserve, especially heroes of the people; those that work day in day out, to survive, to carve out a living. When one of these true heroes does something exemplary that can be attested as being an attribute all should have in the community, why, such a story needs to be told!
As such, the official events pertaining to the capture of the now infamous South Lima thieves (three in number) are as follows:
Out for a nightly stroll through his neighbourhood at around 2am, a honourable citizen of Lima was shocked to see three individuals scale the fence of a neighbours house. Fence scaling is not necessarily a forbidden activity in Lima; many are prone to it, however fence scaling into the yard of an citizens dwelling place when they are away from home is something to take note of. Naturally inquisitive to the nature of this acrobatic endeavour the curious onlooker observed from a secluded location that the three shady individuals had indeed forced themselves into the neighbours house and were merrily confiscating his wordly possessions. This unnamed onlooker was fully aware of other such confiscations that had taken place in the recent past and was motivated to introduce himself to the three individuals in quite a gentlemanly manner.
“but wait!” thought the onlooker; “I have many close acquantences that would be quite interested in meeting and introducing themselves to these three liberators of personal property!”
So with much haste the onlooker roused as many close relations and friends as he could find to tell them of the good fortune to fall upon their close neighbours´ possessions. Naturally these individuals were also very interested in meeting these three mysterious property reclaimers. A crowd of considerable size had thus formed near the dwelling whose contents were in the process of being transferred into large burlap sacks.
So amused with their work were these three men that they remained largely oblivious to all happenings outside the household they currently occupied.
The crowd by this time had become quite enamoured with the activites of the three men that an idea was put forth to lie in wait for them to exit the property, wherupon the large congregation would burst forth and merrily suprise the trinity of thieves with a large round of high-faves and handshakes. How overjoyed these men would be, to become instant celebraties! How their chests would swell with pride when the found that more than three dozen people were interested meeting them! Thus as the three soon-to-be-famous individuals exited the property in question they were sprung upon by a joyous crowd of soon-to-be-famous heroes.
So humble, so pious were these three men that they hastily declined the crowds demands of friendship and merrymaking. So much so that they began to briskly make their way towards their car on the other end of the street. In a generous act of self-sacrifice the three men at this point decided upon reliqueshing their confiscated items by tossing them at the advancing crowd in hopes stalling their equally brisk, pace. This venture was successful only in further lightening the spirits of the advancing citizens. Alas the task of unlocking said automobile proved to be too time consuming an ordeal for the men that they, in the end, were forced to acquiesce to the congregations demands of formal introductions.
Overjoyed, the crowd took it upon themselves to greet each would-be thief individually. So overwhelmed by the outpouring of hospitality on their respective ribs, faces, kneecaps and arms were the three thieves that they promptly decided upon adopting a position many refer to as “fetal”. As each member of the congregation began to tire of showering hospitality upon the trinity of thieves, ideas began to circulate as to what exactly was to be done about the situation of preventing future confiscations of personal belongings. While some postulated upon alerting authorities to the location and apprehension of the three men, it was largely ignored in favor of more concrete and definite theories:
The first idea to be widely accepted was the ensuring that the three men not feel so obliged to leave the presence of their newfound friends; several cords of rope were then produced to bind the mens hands, feet and legs. The three men at this point began a very enthusiastic effort of calling for help and screaming for mercy which the congregation felt to be quite endearing. So much so that the idea was put forth and unanimously agreed upon that they be placed in their car.
By now most of the community had caught wind of the impromptu celebration that was occuring on their street and had come out to shout words of encouragement and good luck to the thieves. With the entire community present, many felt that the setting was quite right for the distribution of snacks, the exchanging of polital opinions, and the debate as to what should be done with their newfound friends. Now with time to think, this gathering of merry souls came to the realization that their acquantences were quite dirtied and worn out form their previous exchange of pleasantries.
Some young men went and fetched water to clean the wounds of the three thieves who were now quite pale from fright. With a festive air the crowd watched with glee as the thieves we doused in buckets of water inside their automobile. Shivering in fright the unlucky party of thieves shrieked for mercy but failed to raise their voices about the shouts of admiration and good will from the community. It was at this time that many felt that the night had grown far too cold to continue any form of festivities without a constant source of heat.
What good luck! What divine providence! The water thrown upon the thieves was revealed to the overjoyed crowd to in fact be gasoline!
with the dainty strike and flick of a match the crowd now had a source of heat that lasted the celebration well into the morning. With firelight flickering off faces contorted into demonic apparitions of glee, the heroic citizens watched with joy as the screams echoing out of the automobile grew desperate, then silent. Silhouetted against the bright yellow flames of the pyre that was once a car, the people of the South Lima housing projects talked and laughed amongst themselves long into the night. Slowly, with the last desperate tongues of flame still burning, the members of the congregation, with a reserved air of quiet reverence made their way into their respective homes to catch a few hours of sleep before the morning arrived.
no arrests were made.
some pics for you:
Do you want to murder someone…? …how badly? ….how much would you pay?
think about this for a second. what to you seems like an acceptable price to have someone murdered?
Lima is quite the city.
They have McDonald’s! I was the happiest gringo that ever lived when i practically skipped through the doors of the McDonald’s here in Lima, giddily ordered myself two double cheeseburgers from their value menu and let out a girlish squeal of delight as i gorged myself upon the bestest fakest hamburgers western culture has yet to produce. The horrified Peruvians had never seen such a fierce assault upon a beef product in their lives.
Food is cheap. Dang cheap. Most smaller hole in the wall food places offer a special feature at lunch which is basically whatever they are cooking; your eating. And its almost always amazing. 3 course meals even. all for 12 sol’s which roughly translated is $4. The fanciest, most exclusive, snob-filled restaurants in town usually cost around 60-70 sol’s. $25 for a meal!? King crab and steak at the keg is what; $50? its rediculous.
- Peruvian fast food is something else. Apparently some industrious germans (when are they not?) opened up a fast food chain decades ago dealing in the most artery clogging garbage you’ve ever seen, and the Peruvians embraced it even more than we did McDonald’s.
here is the meal: steak (lots of grisle) fried on a platter with 2 eggs. add potatoes. a bowl size-serving of rice included. 2 huge pieces of farmer sausage. and a coke. all for 15 sol’s
yes.
It´s incredible how cheap it is to eat here, way WAY cheaper than actually making the food yourself. Yup even the taxi´s are cheap. for a half hour taxi ride its about $4. why would you even want a car here? yup everything here in Lima is dirt cheap.
Even human Life.
But more of that in a second.
Lima has a lot of malls. more than Terjillo. They only have 2. Here in Limo though there is a lot of western culture being imported. Besides TV, which is massive (every house here has a TV) the Malls are showing people here what is cool in North America. In Terjillo is fascinating. they Just got their mall a year ago. it blew people away. they were scared of the escalators. Suddenly bam; Volcom! Billabong! Hot Topic! Hollister! AX! all of it. Right in everyones face. They´ve seen it on television for years, now its here, to be purchased! and yeah it costs the exact same here as it does in Canada. Which is a fortune in Peruvian standards. Lima is much more advanced in their westernization. They are just a couple years behind:
Everyone here still thinks its hardcore to be Emo. they haven´t graduated to scenester status yet. Just wait though. Neon can´t be resisted.
So what happens when you suddenly have these outrageously expensive brands and culture being imported?
Lima is a city of 9million people. roughly 1/3 of them are living below the poverty line. and by below i mean waaay below. inhumane below. Probably another 2million are walking that line, yeah, like johnny cash. And all of this was before the stock market crashed and the world economy started going straight to hell. Rapidly things are getting worse here. people will do anything to get some cash. support the family, buy that hollister. organized crime here is huge. its massive. Import/export anything stolen its here.
So how much does it cost to get someone killed? If we are living in Canada man, it´ll cost you. I don´t even know, probably 25 grand at least. your guess is as good as mine.
here?
$100.
hundred bone gets you a motorcycle and a guy with a handgun. Think how much money you have. You know how many people you could kill? You could take out a neighbourhood if your going to university, and once you get a trade man; every couple weeks you could take out a city block. It´s all disposable here. Think of it as ordering a very, very expensive pizza.
It´s very defeating: people talk of humanitarian aid, helping the poor, Bono shaking hands with some famous person, the RED campaign etc. etc. etc. it´s gotten nooowhere. the mountain of work that needs to be accomplished is for all practical purposes, insurmountable. Lima alone, not even taking into account Africa, China, Thailand, the rest of South America… is a challenge of biblical proportions.
This post doesn´t really have a conclusion.
So i´m done.
- can i borrow $100?
